I wasn’t cut out for an easy life. I have almost lost hope for a peaceful time in this earth. It’s a battle I’ve managed to fight because I’m strong. Strange situations have occurred in my existence lately. I live in a small, cozy apartment with my children and my mother. She and I shared a long battle of misunderstandings, I’ve always had a bad relationship with her, and now I have become her caregiver.
She leans on me in a way that is strange and scary, because I still don’t know how to manage my life. I feel overwhelmed being a mother, a single one, staying afloat with finances and mental health. If I could, I’d be hiding in a corner trading all my responsibilities for a quiet moment. So I run, inside my head that is, I’ll never settle my imagination, instead I let the horses run free. I begin to taste a nice memory, I take a sip of the black coffee that keeps me awake, suddenly I’m back in Spain. The plaza welcomes everyone with in a dance of tourists, local bars, the Serrano ham hanging from the ceiling. This is Granada, in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains in Andalucía. I walk amazed through the Generalife gardens contemplating the Moorish architecture, The Alhambra.
This is the magic of Daydreaming, I’d go from one specific place to another a different spectrum of colors, a more abstract and sometimes obscure, forgetting my new-found dues as a caregiver. Spain is part of beautiful memories back in 2009 when I took a trip to Granada and Murcía, had a fling with a Spaniard, and yes the ham is exquisite.
Daydreaming is a coping skill I use very often to soothe loneliness. I don’t a specific subject, a song, a place, friends, etc… Anything that helps to re-charge this overwhelming existence.
Does it make me less responsible living in la la land? of course not, I’m still a mother who sits with her kids to do homework even though I’m hopeless with math, I’ve held the same job for 8 years now, In the outside I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. In the inside, I’m a daydream believer, the need of detachment is strong. In psychology it can meet the criteria for mild dissociation, I perceive it as a craft for any creativity while being wide awake. I avoid the return, although it’s impossible to wander off all day long losing track of time. Doesn’t feel any different when you close your eyes, wherever you are, the sense of peace, instead of working, taking decisions, selecting pictures?. My steps are firm in the sidewalk, triggering one memory after another. How dull life would be without evoking my dreams? Because when reality hits, I’m depressed and overwhelmed.