Because this moment simply is. No bugs trapped inside in the mind, prompting to do what the will does not wish to do. And one of the things I do not wish to do is to indulge in this life full of vanity and self-consciousness. This aha moment has pondered in my thoughts for a while. It all started when I moved to a new apartment; excited to finally enjoy my privacy, the kitchen area, and to have a small place to call my own… At least for a year. I felt so many thrills after the last box was unpacked, ready to sit down on my couch and devour more literary. The cable provider hasn’t been called just yet; I’m beginning to enjoy my surroundings in a sweet harmony where T.V. Does not exist. Hell, even my youngest son took up a summer reading challenge with “To kill a mockingbird” and he’s only 9! That a boy! Does it mean everything is a combination of angels singing and strawberry fields? Not really. Lately my days have been full of complications, it feels like I’m trapped in one of Donna Summer’s videos “She works hard for the money” (Please watch this video, you’ll thank me later), a non-stop drama over my kids’ misbehavior, my mother’s constant back pain due to an injury and therefore constant care, the financial strain, and my boyfriend’s sometimes lack of understanding turns everything into a mix of tears and anxiety.
Now, I have to admit my moods have been stable for over a month. With the right combination of medicine plus my wonderful therapist who is always available, calls me to check in, and encourages me to take care of myself first. I only become invisible when I’m reading. Books keep me in this trance of a reality / daydream that releases me from my current woes to keep me grounded. I have this capacity to recover from difficult situations rather quickly; the warrior inside of me that says “Life will get better” “you are evolving into something beautiful”. My goal is to live each moment instead of worrying what’s going to happen tomorrow or care about mundane things that only last a few minutes. I’ll give you a simple example: My sister and her family moved to a new apartment as well, I’m so happy to see her trying so hard to be the perfect host fixing coffee for me because she feels proud of her new home. She’s the older sister; she was the one who made me take showers when I was a kid, who combs my hair before school, and cook for me and my little sister. She was only 10 years old. She’s the embodiment of being selfless and kind. Little by little she has transformed her living room into this cozy space with a small budget.
This is the tricky part, though, that little worm called rivalry has been making rounds in my niece’s head. She made a few remarks to my children about how cool her place is compared to ours, so much bigger and fancy. I laughed my ass off when my kids told me about this until Joshua said, mom, I think we need to go to Homegoods and buy stuff… But we have all we need, a couch, a dining table, coffee and books boy! The very next day I found myself shopping for vases, flowers, and paintings at Homegoods. My son was right, the apartment looks cozier and inviting, but this is the lesson I want my kids to learn: It doesn’t matter how expensive a place looks, you trick yourself as soon as you compare your life and material things to others; cultivate the mind before we cultivate a garden outside. Because this moment simply is, the now, the ever-present spirit of contentment and gratitude.