My absence from the blog is not a mere coincidence. Half is laziness and the other half is due to the determination to keep writing thoughts with enough substance and purpose.
There is a strong impulse within me that fuels the need of pushing away any negativity crossing my future path. It’s an emotional regulation between my current medication, which helps me tremendously, sleep (Oh how good it feels when a good night’s sleep is back on the menu), and exercise.
Awareness is such an amazing action. I mention action, because it takes strong power to conquer our inner demons and grow as a human beings. It doesn’t mean problems will fly out of the window, but I’ll be more prepared to break those walls more effectively and wisely.
I grew up in a Christian home. I do believe in God, and I pray to him. I pray that he may continue to grant me the grace to develop a strong sense of my spirit rather than my soul. I believe there is more than one great entity around us; because where there is love, there is God. I fell out of love with the church movement and organized religion long time ago. Someone can’t just simply pretend to be “perfect” by following strict rules every single second of your life. Humans are fallible. Perfect is not going to happen.
My greatest sense of awareness began when I started a strict meditation regime every morning at 5:00 a.m. It’s an amazing feeling I wish I could describe in more detail. The peace of mind is so rich and full. It can be maintained throughout the day, building positive experiences. This period commenced when I was just finishing high school. It was a turbulent time, but one that was also flecked with many happy memories. Without realizing it, I was on full awareness mode: mediation, prayers, reading. I was teaching a small group of children bible stories. Their families had lost everything during Hurricane Mitch in 1998, and yet they were humble and grateful for the attention given to them. I’ll never forget their little faces.
Such experiences helped build my character. Depression has also been shaped my character in many indelible ways. Now I understand the need to reinforce mindfulness and stick to the truth that, ‘yes I am mentally ill, but I’m stronger than any diagnosis’. Self-management, as technical as it sounds, can co-exist with the fact I’m bipolar.
Someone said “…willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment. It bows in some kind of reverence to the wonder of life itself… “That’s a powerful statement, and I’m trying to stick by it. Letting go of the “black and white” situations and being able to quietly reassure myself that what I feel inside is real, that it’s important, that it’s not irrational, and that it makes sense.
I like the word “quiet.” To quiet my mind and body to observe my vulnerability and embrace it. That’s what it’s all about, to master my world, and to help others in need.
The wind whistles in the bamboo and the bamboo dances. When the wind stops, the bamboo grows still. A silver bird flies over the autumn lake. When it has passed, the lake’s surface does not try to hold on to the image of the bird. Vietnamese Dhyana Master Huong Hai