It’s all about you, how can you be live a life fill with such self-indulgence ignoring the rest of us mortals?
I could not tell you how many times this mere thought had cross my mind in the last couple years. A few hours ago, I was accused of such indolence that I’m incapable to silence my mind and come up with a sensible explanation. I resent this notion because my personality traits do not hint a lack of consideration towards others; on the contrary, I blame myself for taking care of everyone’s else problems but mine. The fear of abandonment gets on my bones and makes me crawl sometimes. Therefore, I often confuse having a charity soul to enable people take advantage of me.
I wish I’d be able to be more assertive with my own regards and take the handle of the things that are within my reach. But a big part of me hates injustice and suffering. If I have the means to help, I’ll move mountains until I know the issue has been resolved. Still, now and then, I’m hurt of the lack of gratitude presented before me. This where my dilemma lies: Is it really selfish to expect a degree of gratitude when my illness takes advantage of my words and attitude? It doesn’t mean to forgive my faults without taking fully responsibility, but isn’t mercy one the greatest attributes a human being takes for granted?
I’m a mass of contradictions, I’m aware of it, but I ceased of fighting of such revealing nature because that’s how I roll. I can’t deny how difficult I am to live with sometimes spending days without muttering a word to anyone at home, the ups and downs of my illness, the irritability, the cutting, etc… at the same time I’d go beyond my own means when rescue is needed so therefore when I suffer from my ever-changing moods and the response is to call me selfish, it destroys the concept of lending a helping hand to someone in need.
I take heart at the advice of my therapist, “Steph you need to send a clear message. You are first, You cannot carry everyone’s else problems on your back”. It is not your responsibility at all. –She’s right so I carefully exercise the way I carry myself in a way I won’t hurt anyone when I say No. I wish I could say that I don’t care if people approves of my new philosophy of life or not, I do care a lot, but I’ve been feeling so emotionally drained lately, it is time for me to say “I can insist on my rights and still be a good person”. Sylvia Plath could not have said it better “If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never be disappointed”.
This is where my feet may stumble a bit because deep inside I’d expect a sign of gratitude and I don’t always get it. There is an immense need to feel accepted somehow. Maybe I’ve been to prone to rejection and it worries me, being a mom and all, to bring balance at home because I strongly believe my advocacy starts at home with my two children. They have too, experienced the same rejections I’d had to faced growing up: A nasty divorce, abandonment by a Father, and yes, us being separate for a short time due to my Depression. And this is the message I desire for them to learn “I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me”. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I do understand it is necessary for my return to a normal state of self-love and health. Not everybody is going to love me, it doesn’t matter what I do for them, and it’s OK.
Regaining a possession of assertiveness truly improves a few bumps on the road. If I didn’t reach my goals, that doesn’t mean I didn’t go about it in a skillful way. I’ve been neglecting myself for too long wasting precious time explaining friends and family about my weirdness of character and the consequences of my diagnosis. That means I’d be only concentrating on the dark side of my anxiety/bipolar disorder/depression, without any sense of awareness. I am so tired of having nightmares, relieving painful memories and further flashbacks plus the burdens of my present situation, I want to buy a one way ticket to Hong Kong and change my name and start my life all over again. Obviously I won’t do that because it wouldn’t help at all; I’d be escaping instead of confronting myself and change the course of nature.
A dear friend of mine pointed out suggestions on how to be more assertive on her blog, I love her to death because we’ve been writing about the same topic without realizing it, so there are a lot of people like myself suffering from the “Yes, Man/Woman” syndrome (check out and see what happened to Jim Carrey on Yes, Man). So repeat to yourself every single day: “The fact that I say NO to someone does not make me a selfish person”.
I may be swimming on self-indulgence right now, But I am a step ahead of living my own life counting the rhythms of my own steps instead of following the drum beats of the crowd.