One of the fringe benefits (yes, benefits) of living with general anxiety disorder, is the awareness of my current moods and feelings. I persist on practicing mindfulness letting my body and mind understand that is o.k. to feel the way I do. I endure some Histrionic and Avoidant personality disorder traits due to my former childhood and present adult life.
-People with Histrionic personality disorders often dramatize situations to get attention. This should not be put on a negative light, since the lack of self-worth plays an enormous part on the individual’s daily life. My narcissistic and self-indulge rages don’t mean to create disastrous consequences to others. Is a fear to be ridiculed, rejected, and thus it reaffirms my statement when I say “I hate people” this is because in the depths of my mind I’m constantly over-analyzing my surroundings, “jeez my boss gave me the weird look as he gazed on my new crimson red hair” “whoa, my co-worker just passed me and didn’t say good morning, did I do something wrong?” “I’m reading 5 books at the same time who does that?!” “Oh God, please not another phone call from school” “boy, I look like a balloon and summer it’s almost here” “nobody said anything about my latest report on why students are withdrawing earlier at school” should I keep going?
This is the first act. At home, those sentiments are more predominant exerting a control of power in my behavior causing more anxiety constantly doubting myself if indeed I’m a good mother and girlfriend. I give permission to my non-funded feelings to take over asking myself why I’m this way. -At the same time, there have been so many occasions when my strong confident self has shown its colors instantly set on “survival mode” where I speak my mind and I don’t give a damn about the world. It doesn’t last long, and this is my current battle; letting the negative traits take over.
Avoidant personality disorder is strongly correlated with anxiety, due to the conjecture of being criticized, socially inept, not good-looking, creating clouds of fears and being persistently tense every single day. Knowledge is power, and gathering all this information brings the beautiful truths of Interpersonal Effectiveness, the cheer-leading statements like “Standing up for myself over “small” things can be just as important as “big” things are to others”. There is nothing wrong being assertive, unless you’re an assertive selfish bitch, but that’s o.k. you are trying…It is tough to talk about self-help skills because we linger on our symptoms so much they become part of our identity, and indeed it’s who we are, BUT at the end of the day, I’d get bored constantly talking about it without generating a possible solution. Working on my verbal communication skills helps me to feel good about myself, “This is me, I cry a lot, I don’t want to feel rejected but this who I am, giving, giving, giving, is not the-be-all of life. I am an important person in this world too.”
-I can let my thoughts fly back and forth, releasing my conflicted mind at ease. It’s a tiring duty second guessing yourself all the time unless you’re willing to bring change to the equation, put the cards on the table and realize nobody is perfect, this world is chaos, and it’s ok to be neurotic as hell sometimes, but always return to the place where the mirrors of intelligibility brings you back to your unique self.
We live in a narcissistic society where the likes and follows mean a lot, social media feeds a lot of insecurities within ourselves with the nice pictures, the nice houses, etc…I do believe there are more people like me constantly worrying about their image because of social media. It’s a dangerous tool in the wrong hands and for that same reason, pro-activity in the mind needs to be practice ALL the time. God knows how many tears I’ve shed because of someone went overboard rude to me on twitter. “Don’t take it seriously, its social media” well, I do take it seriously because it’s my platform to communicate and be somewhat social. Back in 2013 I dropped 30 pounds in a matter of 6 weeks. Everyone was pleased with the results, whoa! you look hot! the problem? I wasn’t eating and developed extreme anemia. 6 months later, I was on Seroquel, gained all my weight back feeling completely miserable and writing my next Nora Roberts trilogy “Obsession with pancakes” moody and all, one of my friends says, “Oh Steph, you seem happier it’s too bad you look chubby again” I should have alerted her in that moment how crude, rude and malicious her observation was, I smiled and cried the entire day instead.
People can be hurtful. Like my friend Madonna said, We are living in a material world, but I am not the material girl, I’m the overly emotional girl who tries to take a stand for herself in the midst of her depression. I decide to commit on a healthier diet, to actual listen to my wonderful therapist, practice mindfulness, and feel like Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” Life is good.