My hands are shaking, the mind has started a new cycle of dark thoughts constantly worrying about the changes in my environment where I no longer feel safe, the necessity of solitude and tranquility is nowhere to be found.
GAD or General Anxiety Disorder, is the constant companion in my life. The unintended consequences of the actions in my brain reach to such extreme, my body feels the pain and the symptoms of panic that come with it. This is an everyday occurrence for me, I worry a lot. Everything I do, at work, with family, etc…brings such an enormous bag of worries, is difficult to enjoy any activity without feeling the tension inside.
If you really want to know, the reason I don’t make phone calls is because I spend a great deal of time deciding whether or not to make the phone call. It has nothing to do with the person, or any specific event, I just can’t simply dial the numbers and make a damn call. I don’t like malls, clubs, or anything like that, unless I organize my thoughts one week in advance. I worry what other people thinks about me. I worry what you might be thinking as I placed my thoughts in this entry.
I worry about my own sanity, I look everything around me, I make quick notes and observations in search for a meaning, of what, that I don’t know yet. These are the minor worries, the crucifixion comes into place when I over think and bring myself down so much the beatings of my heart become stronger by seconds, ideas come and go, I’m dizzy, the palms of my hands are sweaty, one second I need to stay in a corner trying to calm myself down, the next I’m walking around in circles, everything is haze and blurred. Time stops and the sounds disappear. Is it time to meet my creator? I feel a latent sense of dread and disaster.
Then I gaze at my boys pictures, their drawings, legos everywhere…tears are flowing down my face and I think, where did all went wrong? why do I still feel like a little girl scared of the world, hiding in the closet? I want to embrace my children and promise them a brighter future together. The sudden fear of emptiness goes away, I can breathe now, I am ready to face the world again.
-Face the world again with the minor worries that is, because they never go away. My mother thinks my sacred isolation doesn’t help my condition at all, I should go to church and talk to God about it. Ok, yeah the evil spirits are controlling my mind right now ok…(note the sarcastic tone here) .-I enjoy my solitude, the quiet place I can go and day-dream with my alter ego and read, and occasionally invite my boyfriend in this little world of mine. He understands it very well, he’s my only friend and I am happy with that.
The impending disasters are not always driven by my surroundings. I fought hard with my last pdoc to make him understand I was depressed because of my circumstances, it was the classic “I’m denial” phase we all suffer, I played the blame game for too long until I realized it’s this debilitating illness that’s causing of these problems. Yes, circumstances are extremely important, but how we react to them is the key. anxiety is a terrible disorder, it takes so much of my self-esteem it hurts. If only one day I’d wake up extending my hand and my entire self out of wickedness and gloomy overcast of my days, and yet, the same dim of light makes me feel human.