Longing to Belong

The perfect timing…the wrong reasons…loneliness, mania,  feeling unwanted, a sense of relief as I felt the sharp knife on my skin, the pain was finally leaving the body.

In a sense we all feel we are special, different from other people as our perceptions grow deeper, in a way, to see the different colors of life that no one else bothers to see. But what happens when the people you love and trust the most are in a way tired of you?  Let’s explore my findings shall we?

It is important to share some background carefully otherwise I might fall into a deeper state of depression.

I was born on July 31st 1982, in the beautiful city of Tegucigalpa, Honduras. Apparently I was not ready to see the light, and the doctors had to pulled me out of my comfortable zone. There I was, in my mother’s arms, we both have gone through so much even before I was born. Did I felt my father’s fist when he beat my mother while pregnant? not sure, but I had to live with his violent nature for 7 years.

We lived in my grandmother’s house,  those early memories of my childhood are not pleasant. My only escape was music and books. I could go this place where the pain was no longer there, where the memory of seeing my Dad naked raping my mother while she screamed in agony was a thing of the past. I became withdrawn, shy, reclusive, lonely.  Little I knew things would turn for the worse when I was sexually molested before I started school. And still I knew I was a dreamer, and those sweet melodies would play in my head to ease any sense of guilt, or depression.

Should I pull the knife and have the guts to ended  it all? I have so much to say, but who wants to read these endless miserable thoughts?

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One thought on “Longing to Belong

  1. How anyone survives this is hard to imagine, yet it is all too common and even those close by may never realize. It hurts to hear the stories of a lost childhood and the heartbreak of those that need to be nurtured, deserve to he loved.
    I admire your courage and your honesty and believe that the good can outweigh the darkness that you are confrontng from your past. I know you’re still fighting for yourself because no one can fight this for you no matter how much they may wish. And if it never goes away, if there’s never a “winner” in this battle you still have won. Because you survived and faced what many of us could not. And you did it because even on those hard days you know you’re worth fighting for.

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